No. 27 - Friday, July 28 - 3 Minute Read - Audio Version Here​

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The Clench

A Technical Problem with Life

There is a little technical problem with this thing called life: it ends.

The funny thing is that we actually don't believe that. We tend to think we will continue on just as we are and then get shocked when things go South. Here's a prophecy: things will go South.

Because we don't believe it, we do the clench.

The clench is an attempt to hold on to life and force it to be still. It's a way of living in the static idea of life we create in our minds, rather than inhabiting the ever-changing flow of things as they are.

The ephemeral nature of things is scary. Without acceptance, it can cause the Solomonic depression that people often hear in the book of Kohelet (Ecclesiastes).

It’s why people prefer to believe they won’t die.

But we give up something profound by doing so — the one life we have.

The Cogency of Death

Often right before people die they are hit with a certain clarity. They realize that all the things they made a big deal out of didn't matter. That they could have loved wholeheartedly throughout rather than just waking up now.

They realize that everything they held on to was never really theirs. That all the stories they told were just stories, partial truths maybe, profound distortions certainly. They realize that who they thought they were was just a story too.

How sad.

“It is better to visit a house of mourning then one of feasting, for thus ends every man and the living one should place it in his heart.” (Ecclesiastes 7:2)

“The living one should remember” would have been the normal way to say it, but remembering is not enough. We forget too easily.

My wife works in pediatric oncology (another version of Solomon’s house of mourning). A nine-year old girl died recently in her department and she shared parts of the sad memorial with me.

What would those parents give to hold their child one more time? To see her grow up and marry, have a family and thrive?

I ask myself these questions when I get annoyed at my children. They’re a gentle reminder to see that it is all blessing and part of life.

The cogency of death is always available to us, but we must intentionally place it in our heart, again and again and again.

Things Don’t Matter So Much

The truth is that from an existential perspective nothing really matters. Everything will pass and we are but the tiniest dot in the arc of time.

Instead of getting angry that your kid broke something, you could remember that all things break. If you were looking closely, maybe you already saw the dishes breaking when you took them off the shelf in the store. Maybe there is an appropriate lesson to be taught (or maybe just trust your child to figure it out for themselves), but there's no real need to get upset.

The more you remember the passing nature of things, the more free you are to lighten up. There is no need to take anything too seriously. It too shall pass.

The denial of death is so human, so understandable. But like other denials, it doesn’t really work, it gets in the way. It makes everything too serious.

But what about the depression? What about the deep loss and sorrow, the absolute terror of seeing our passing nature?

The Great Conceit and The Secret to Making Peace with Death

There’s a secret to making peace with death. It’s the secret to being happy with whatever you have too. It's letting go of your sense of entitlement.

We feel that we are entitled to this life we have. We feel violated that we have no control over it and that we can't dictate how long it lasts. I've heard this called “the great conceit” in the mindfulness tradition.

It is the cause of the clench.

We think life is ours and therefore try to hold on to it, tightly. But it's really not. It's just a gift we are given, or maybe just a loan. It feels wrong (arrrggh!!!!  me shaking my fists at God or whatever’s out there) but we don't have a right to it.

The more you realize this, the more you place this in your heart, the more gratitude you can have for the gift and the more acceptance of its ultimate surrender.

Why should you be upset to lose something that is not yours?

If your baseline expectation is nonexistence, if you see yourself as just lucky to be alive even for a short period, there is nothing left to fear. This life is not yours to hold onto. You are a traveler who has been given an opportunity to wander for a time in a special land.

There’s no need to clench. It won’t help. You may as well spend your time awake. The laughter and the light are all around us.

Why wait until you die to wake up?

Place it in your heart now.

Joseph

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